Almost 4

This is a very hard post for me to write, mostly because it is impossible to capture it all in words and difficult to convey how I really feel.

Last night I came down from putting Noah to bed and just cried.  A lot.

Paul was super worried about me and thought something awful had happened.  Nothing awful happened at all.  It's just that Noah is almost four.

Here's how bedtime went:

Noah put on his footed pajamas himself.  He brushed his teeth himself.  He rinsed out his mouth.  He raced to his bedroom and picked out his current favorite book:  Little Panda.  He picked out the words he knew and we practiced spelling panda over and over.  He said his prayers and picked out people and moments he especially wanted to thank God for.  He said the Lord's prayer.  We sang Jesus Loves Me and Jesus Loves the Little Children. 

Then he asked me to tell him about when he was a baby.  I told him lots of stories about how PopPop used to rock him on the porch swing in the winter and how Gwen (our cat) used to snuggle up next to him.  I told him again about his first birthday party and how he smashed the cake in his face.  He asked if we used to tickle him the way we tickle Maeve.

We just laid in bed and talked for an entire hour.

He had just watched a show where an elephant was left out and cried.  He was very worried about Stompy and being left out.  I asked him if he felt left out and he said no.  I told him there were lots of people who loved him very much, but he was worried that someday he would be left out.  I told him that when he understands how much God loves him he will understand that he will never be left out.

He asked what shape it is where God lives.

I answered that it wasn't really a shape, but if I had to say it would be a circle.

He asked if it was big enough for everyone.  I said it was.  He asked if it was big enough for everyone and their houses, too.  I said it probably was big enough for that.

He asked if it was big enough for the people who's houses broke that we saw on TV.  He was remembering the earthquake in Haiti in January!  I was stunned.  He asked if God could fix their houses and make sure that they could all fit in the big circle, so no one would be left out.

I was crying when he was saying this and he asked me why I was crying.  I told him that I used to live with MomMom and PopPop but I don't live there anymore.   I told him that the more he grows that someday he will move out and do new and great things and he won't snuggle with me at night anymore and I will be sad.   I told him I was so happy for him and for how awesome he is and for all that God has in store for him, but that I was sad that he would never be little again.  That I never wanted to imagine a day without him in my home anymore.

After we were done talking he asked me to sleep with him for a little while (he asks this every night).  I said I would sleep for 1 second.  He said Daddy always sleeps for thirty seconds.  I agreed to thirty seconds.

You see, it's not that I don't want him to grow up, because I want him to have a great life, and he will.  It's just that everything is so fleeting.  Every moment is gone so quickly that I don't feel like I get to savor them enough, even when I am really in the moment.  For now, we are still the center of his world.  And while the incessant talking and needing and whining and questioning gets old very quickly, I just know that the burrowing he has done into my heart will slowly become a void each time he decides to go out and do something on his own.

I love who he is right now.  More than I ever thought I could love.  I absolutely love almost 4.  I will probably love what is next too, but it's so hard to let go of this moment.

At least today on the way home from school he said that when he grows really big he will be 10.  I said, you're never going to be 11?  He said, no, 10 is super old, Mom.