A runner?

On Sunday, October 3rd I ran a half marathon.  13.1 miles.

I simply cannot believe that I achieved this feat.

I didn't really tell anyone that I was even trying because, honestly, I didn't believe that I could do it.  I never posted it on Facebook, never proclaimed it anywhere.  I had to tell work because I needed the day off.  I told my parents a few weeks ago.  People knew I was running a lot but didn't really know why.  I didn't want to make a big deal of it because then I wouldn't have to be as ashamed when I couldn't do it.

I had a lot of reasons why I wouldn't do well.  Honestly, the past few years have been pretty rough for me physically.  I spent 2 months on bedrest with Maeve, as if my muscles weren't already atrophied from pregnancy, bedrest insured that I had lost all muscle tone in my body.  After her birth I was determined to get back in shape, only to tear my third ACL and find myself on the couch for 10 weeks.  When I finally got the okay to stand, my exercise was so limited and I just felt that I would never feel strong again. 

My good friend Jane turned 40 this July and she was determined to do something big this year.  She entered the DIVA half marathon on Long Island and invited a bunch of us to do it with her.  When she signed up I still hadn't received clearance for full physical activity, but in my heart I really wanted to do it. Jane had been running 2-4 miles a few times a week for about 2 years.  I kept dancing around the idea as more of my friends signed up.  I wanted to do it, but I really didn't believe that I could.

I started running as much as I could and I told myself that if I could get to 5 miles then I would sign up.  Sure enough I was able to do it and the doctor gave me the clearance to register. 

As the weeks of training went on I felt very mentally weak.  I would stop during my runs out of boredom, not out of exhaustion.  I couldn't get myself to keep going no matter what I did.  I could not find a way to convince myself to keep running.  But, I did keep trying.  I did many many 2-4 mile runs.  I did a couple 9-10 mile runs. 

From almost the beginning of my training I was having a dull ache in my right heel.  It was mild and would go away a few hours after I worked out.  As the training went on the pain got worse.  One week before the race a few of us signed up to run the Oxford 5K.  I was also in charge of much of the Apple Festival in town that day and I just had too much to do.  I arrived at the start line as the runners were taking off and I just kept telling myself I couldn't do it.  Sure enough about a mile into the race I just turned around and went home.  The pressure of work and the race was all too much for me.  The worst part was that my heel went crazy and it hurt so badly I couldn't stand the rest of the day. 

My family doctor was nice enough to prescribe some steroids for my heel to help me get through the big race and that took away the pain. 

As we drove up to NY last Saturday I was clear about my intentions.  I was planning on running as much as I could and then walking the rest.  I just hoped to cross the finish line.  When we drove the course it looked insanely long.  I didn't have any doubt that I would need to walk.  I was injured, unprepared, weak, and out of shape.

We arrived early Sunday morning at the race site.  We got ready and it was a freezing 50 degrees.  Even my clothes seemed incompetent compared to the "real" runners around me. 

There were 8 of us total, 2 who were planning on walking the whole way.  The other 6 of us nestled in at the start block assuming we would run 11-12 minute miles.  Jane wanted to run together, even though I knew she was a lot faster than I was.  We ran together and chatted for the first 7 miles.  I couldn't believe I made it that far.  I was sure I would have given up by then.  At 7 miles I was slowing down a bit and encouraged Jane to keep going.  She made me promise I wouldn't drop out and I agreed.  I turned on my headphones and just kept going.  At some point I just told myself that I was going to do it and there was no reason to walk.  When I got to mile 11 and I realized that I was really going to do it I almost broke down in tears right there.  At mile 12 every runner got a tiara and a feather boa for the last mile.  As I approached the finish line my friends Erin and Shelley were waiting for me and ran accross the line with me.  Jane had finished 10 minutes earlier. 

We were all amazed that it really wasn't that bad! That sounds crazy, but none of us thought it was that hard! The course was long, but very flat.  There was so much support... all women, some dressed up in a crazy way.  There were cheerleaders at the rest stops and tons of people cheering each other on.   Everything about it was positive and uplifting.  

Out of 4000 runners, I was about #1800 which in my opinion is pretty darn good!!  The winner ran it in 1:24 -- 6.4 minute miles! 

I feel so incredibly overwhelmed with emotion.  I am stunned that I actually did it and did not sell myself short.  I overcame all of the obstacles that have been placed in front of me and I achieved a goal that most people will never achieve.  This is absolutely the most difficult and rewarding accomplishment of my life.  I don't mean to downplay my education or my children, but those things have come easily to me.  This is something I did completely for myself, that does not benefit anyone else, and that has re-centered me in a way that I could have never imagined.  

Amazingly enough, after all of this, I still don't feel like a "runner" but I do hope to keep going and run another race soon enough.  Maybe some day soon I'll own the title, but for now, I'm just so thrilled to have reached this achievement.